Parenting and the Therapeutic Alliance

We parents can learn perhaps the most important lesson in life from what research has revealed from the world of therapy. As you may know, the education and training of a family therapist consists of different components: differing therapy types are studied, therapy techniques are explored, and various protocols and procedures are learned. While all are important factors in successful therapeutic exchange and change, research has found that the most crucial factor in determining a successful outcome is what is known as the “therapeutic alliance." What is the therapeutic alliance, you might ask? Well, it’s a fancy way of saying its all about the relationship that is formed between the therapist and the client.

When researchers studied the outcomes from various therapists with varying therapeutic approaches, what they found was quite startling. Successful outcomes were not determined by the unique modality or approach as much as the individual relationship the therapist had with the client. It was the relationship that determined outcome.
One of the most important things a therapist can do with a client is to form an open, non-judgmental, warm, and positive relationship. It has even been said that the therapeutic relationship IS the treatment.

So, what does this have to do with your parenting? Well, in the first place it’s critical to learn that “clients” like your family members will accomplish more in life if you have created in your own home strong “therapeutic alliances”: in everyday family terms, strong relationships! You will have greater influence and a more fulfilling experience if you will learn to develop bonds with each child.

Of course, you don’t have to be a trained clinician, but in fact you play a similar role. There are things that you can do to help you forge and nurture strong relationships and alliances with your children.

Consider these three ideas to work in forming your alliances with your children:

1. Be a friendly, warm person. Smile when you see your children. Offer a sincere compliment. Give them a hug or other comfortable physical expressions of your love for them.

2. Listen without judging or offering unwarranted advice. Practice active listening skills – seek to deeply and sincerely understand the information your child is sharing with you. Ask for further information and clarification, and restate what you have heard.

3. Discuss or converse about interesting or meaningful issues with your child. It’s ok to ask how school was today, but you can also ask your child, “What was the hardest thing you dealt with today?” Or for instance, you might bring up current events and ask your children their opinions about an issue that requires an expression of their own beliefs or values.

Creating a strong relationship with children is often easier said than done. These three ideas seem simple, and they are, but don’t be fooled. They take constant effort. Forging and maintaining a deep relationship takes time, patience, and diligence

I like to take the baseball view of things. Major league ball players make millions of dollars for a batting average of 300. So if you succeed once every three or four tries, you’re probably doing well. In our efforts to ‘raise’ our children, take minute today to nurture your relationship, after all, that is the most important thing you can do. The payoffs are great and well worth the effort.

For more information, see the FamilyIQ article, "Good Advice: Listen First" and the FamilyIQ course, "Active Listening."

About Mark Hobbins

For more than 20 years, Mark has helped families whose children had gone too far down the road of self-defeating and even self-destructive behaviors -- families who needed intervention to rescue the child and heal the family. Mark created FamilyIQ with the mission of prevention, of building stronger, and more fulfilling families today.

Mark Hobbins has enjoyed an illustrious career in mental health and therapeutic education.  He is a co-founder of the Aspen Education Group and is a past member of the Colleague Panel for the Council on Accreditation of Services to Families and Children. He is a consulting expert for numerous media outlets including CBS, NBC, ABC, People Magazine, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, LA Times, and the NY Times. He has consulted with and appeared on various television shows throughout the world including BRAT CAMP, Britain‘s Youngest Boozers, Tyra Banks and Dr. Phil shows. Mark has authored and co-authored many articles, courses and workbooks.

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